Broken relationship-unconsummated marriage

Patient

Q: I am a 27 years old normal male. I was recently married and my wife is 6 months younger than me. We were married 5 months ago and our marriage is unconsummated.
In our societies, we do not have sex or intercourse before marriage. So I did not have it too.
The first night I did not attempt anything. I am a shy person by nature and I did not took off even her clothes. I was thinking of loving , caring and going slow. I tried after 3 or 4 days, but I could not do intercourse. During the course of 5 months of our marriage I tried many a times but I was not successful. After a few days we were naked and having sex but we could not do the intercourse. We had sex many many times. Even if I had chances in day time, I tried to have sex. I wanted to have sex whenever I could get a chance (during my busy schedule of work) but she preferred to go outside or hang out somewhere or go for some other entertainment.
We were having sex for hours. In 5 months, 4 to 5 nights were whole nights of sex. After every 2 days we had sex, on the average. We did everything from massage to licks which, I liked or did more. I have a busy schedule so every time I wanted to have more time for sex. But even then I did never see her really exited and she always felt cold.
I tried intercourse many times. She never said -no-, but when I got erect and tried she got very fearful. I know ladies in eastern societies are frightened sometimes and hesitate but, why, for such a long time. Initially she posed that she did not know anything about sex which I thought she is lying. I was comforting her. I dont know why I also left it for so long. I counseled her and told her to relax and that I would go as she desires. I even tried to first insert my finger but she did not even let me touch that portion. I could do anything with her, kiss, lick, touch, do anything, but when ever I touched her vagina, she felt so much pain that she cried once or twice as well. Some times, she used her legs to force me away. She never forced me away for any thing else, I touched her vagina. I was thinking that she is over frightened and this would go away. Sometimes, she said idiotic things like, -if you pour your semen on my breast, could we have a baby this way- and -can we conceive a baby in some other way- and -its too big, how can it be possible to insert it-. I told her it is stretchable. I did never pressurize her for having a baby. I always told her -ok we will have intercourse when we want a baby, ok-. Some times when I said, that intercourse is necessary, she said sometimes becoming angry, that its your fault because you always go at the wrong spot. I knew the vagina and I knew where to go in.
Now about myself. I get erect very quickly and can even get orgasm very quickly, but I did not get it before going in. Initially when I started touching and rubbing her outer and inner vagina she felt pain that she stopped me. I used to lick her whole body to please her. I used to ask her if she feels good and she used to say, -a little-. Some times I got worried with myself, that she was not being fully satisfied. She some times got a little excited when I licked her nipples. I got motivated with this and used to lick even her outer and inner lips of vagina. I did not like it, but I did it just to please her. Only my tongue could touch her vagina since she did not let my finger or my penis. I also told her that I would like her to touch or rub my penis. She even licked my penis some times. I used to get orgasms and got complete orgasm with semen, 2 to 3 times usually, during sex with her. Some times later she used to get me excited by rubbing on my penis and then I used to masturburate. She said that this would eventually please me.
I am confused and want to ask you If I did some thing wrong. Is there a problem with me or her. Now she is gone to her family and says that since we did not have intercourse, it means that I am impotent and that she would not live with me. She wants separation. I loved her but now I also want to leave her because of such a bad blame. After she was gone, I consulted a doctor. The doctor checked me physically about my erection and other things etc. He wrote that I am fit for intercourse. I know myself that I am ok.
I just want to know if its my mistake and if there is a problem with me.
I have expressed everything I could. Thank you so much.

Doctor

A:   Thank you for your question. We understand how this has been distressful for you. There could be two main reasons that could be causing your sexual/erectile dysfunction. The first could be psychological in nature or there could be an underlying medical problem. Psychological causes of your symptoms could be related to performance anxiety. This is a very common cause erectile dysfunction and can be related to anxiety, poor self esteem, depression or even stress.
Physical causes of erectile dysfunction could be related to problems with the prostate gland, infections, or even problems with circulation. In order to determine if a medical problem is the cause of your erectile dysfunction you will need to undergo a physical examination by your doctor in order to determine if this is so.
Treatment of erectile dysfunction begins with addressing the underlying problem. If you are suffering from anxiety or any other mental health issue, you may need to consult a therapist or psychiatrist to assist you in overcoming these issues. If your erectile dysfunction is being caused by a medical problem, once diagnosed, the appropriate treatment can be prescribed.

Thank you for consulting AskTheDoctor.com

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