Do I have depression?


Q: I have been suffering since I was around 9 years old. I caught my mom cheating on my dad several times but I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Most probably due to cowardice. I am now 21 years old. My dad found out around 4 months ago. They decided to separate, but they got together again. My mom emotionally tortured me growing up - with all her lies, her insecurities that she passed on me the best she could, always told me i'm a bad person, etc. etc.. For the longest time, I thought my insecurities and my hatred and moodiness were just my personality.

But 4 months ago, when my dad found out the truth, exactly that time, I started texting this guy. The first 2 weeks of the texting, I couldn't think of anything else but him. Not normal considering that I always thought about my problems, then I would cry. My obsessive and consistent thoughts of him bothered me so much because we only texted for 2 months, and I only met him once. He became like a "thought blocker" and I cannot control my thoughts anymore. I am thankful because he saved me from myself for several months. I cannot imagine what I would have done if I weren't thinking about him. The first two weeks, I was just in bed thinking about him. But I could barely get out of bed. It is so confusing. Why do I think about him amidst more serious problems?

But now, the texting stopped. I am going back to my very sad state. I cannot control this sadness anymore. I feel empty and hopeless for the future. And also scared. If I completely stop thinking about him, I am scared that I will think about "other" things. Recently, I have been very tired of life. I am thinking of death (but not HOW I would kill myself, just death in general). I don't know what to do. I cannot control my thoughts. What is happening to me? Is this depression?

Symptoms:  Disinterest in things, sad for a long time, no hope for the future, thoughts about death (but not suicide)

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