How to get rid of depression


Q: My story begins from my child hood. When I used to go school I was a normal, happy, charming boy. I love to play games, flying kites .but only up to 5th standard. Here the problem starts coming. Up to 5th standard there was my best friend. I go with him school ,I played with him, I sit with him, my life was good but in 5th standard my friends father died ,I was shocked to hear this. There financial condition became poor and he left the school. I become alone. I start feeling boring and disappointed. Then after some weeks I realized that I have that I have to study and I can't stay isolated. Therefore I realized that I should make new friends. But here the problem begins.I didn't choose natural friends,I mean those boys with which I can feel comfortable rather I picked those boys with which my chemistry doesnt match. They have their separate group and I penetrate in their group. I didnt enjoy their company as much but I showed as I am comfortable. My natural charming goes on decreasing. I gradually start going into my shell. But I keep focusing on my studies and I was good in study. At the 10th standard when I became adult I heard from someone about the web address of a porn site. I became excited and decided to watch this. I go to net cafe after school and opened first time porn site. I became so much excited, after coming home I masturbate first time. This habit start increasing, daily I go to net cafe and masturbate daily. In masturbation I feel very much comfortable, my mind become relaxed. Therefore it becomes my strong habit. Then a new problem comes. I daily masturbate or got wet in dreams. But this thing masturbation pinches me very much. I heard from many people that excessive masturbation leads to sexual weakness .you will not b able to marry a girl. And also in Islam its prohibited .I want to leave this habit but all in vain. I keep on masturbating and it keeps on depressing me. Then in my college life, I had created a shell around me. I never explain my feelings and emotions openly. I didnt talk with someone .I become alone. I have no good friends. I remember my childhood when I have friends. I want to become like I was in childhood but all in vain. Now In university life,I had forgotten my real personality .I created a mask on me. I show myself very friendly to people but I was not in actual. It tired me. Then an incident happens. We go to a trip with university fellows. As I tell you that I was not having a real friend. I know those who claim to b my friend were not actually my friend. They back bit about me. I feel sad knowing that. In trip one of the so called friend start cracking jokes on me. All were laughing. I feel very ashamed. But he continues. My trip was so terrible. In the last of trip everyone was cracking jokes on me. And I was silent, Nothing to say. It made me so depressed that I never forget this incident. I started hating my university life. After getting degree from university life I thank God that my bad life period has gone. Now I am coming to Germany for higher studies. One of my so called friends also applied in same university and got admitted .he want to share accommodation with me. But I really dont want .I want to make new friends, those friends with which I will be comfortable. I want to bring my personality back. One important point I forgot is in my home. My elder brother, he never becomes a good brother for me. He is an egoistic person who never accept his mistake .he always argue with me. He criticizes me always .this makes me feel very bad. All other family members are normal with me. I love my sisters and my parents .they all are caring and I love to spent time with them .but when brother comes home I go into my room because I know that if I keep sitting there he will start arguing with me at any point and my mood will become off. He never gives me freedom. I rarely come outside home. I have no friend in my area. Now I am coming to Germany, this is the chance for me to live like how I want .I will have freedom to do anything. But I am afraid about my personality .I doesnt know how to behave with others. With some people my behavior is different and with others my behaviors is different. At the last I want to get rid of this. I want happiness, inner satisfactions, and stable personality. I know I cant keep every one happy but when I meet with people with whom my chemistry doesnt match I become depressed.
I dont know what is the real problem of me whether I am suffering from depression or some thing else but I want to get rid of it.
The only time which I feel good is spending on internet. I watched funny programs and enjoy but alone.
I want the solution; I want a happy social life.
Can anyone help me? Thanks.


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