I am a married woman with a high sex drive


Q: I am a married woman with a high sex drive and husband who cannot / will not have sex. We have had sex 5 times in 8 years. He loves me and I him, but it isn't enough for me. I have had a couple of affairs and get opportunities frequently. I need sex to feel alive, but my husband has health issues and emotional issues which make this impossible. I wonder if chemical castration is an answer.


A:   Hi.
Thanks for your query and an elucidate history.

Madam, this is a very very tricky question.
I would like to know a few more things before I can really help you out:
- How old are your?
- Was there any guilt feeling after you had affairs/opportunity?
- or a better feeling after you had it outside marriage?
- Was there any long lasting affair where you had mental/psychological support too?
- What is your own though, belief and practical life expectancy?
- Are you really ready to accept the permanent disability once you do chemical castration?
- What is the opinion of your husband who cannot have sex with you frequently and still want you to continue in marriage? Do you really think he loves you so much that you are sexually deprived because of his health issues and still want to be in marital relationship?
- Is this the issue since marriage or developed a problem after having normal sex life for some time?
- Have you consulted anytime with your closest of friend or family matter or a counselor? If yes, opinion you got?

I understand this is a long list , but I want you read carefully and answer them truthfully.
I am sure the ideas about your own life will get clearer, confusion reduced and emotions kept aside, a practical solution be found.


Comments / Follow Ups

Patient: I am 53, in excellent health and look much younger than my age. I did feel guilty at first, then it became easier to have relations outside the marriage.
I have been through extensive therapy and therapists as well as close friends support my finding what I need outside of the marriage. My husband gets very hurt.
Actually, when it comes to the actual issue of sex, I feel great after the outside relations. They are not random hook ups, they are people I know and respect.
I get angry at my husband over this issue, but I also love him and wonder if I could make my needs to feel desirable go away if I would feel more peaceful.
I did not know whether the process of chemical castration was permanent or not. I am probably not willing to do it if it is permanent. And I don't know all side effects.
My husband is alcohol and has unrelated neurological problems. This started 10 years ago. We've been together for almost 30.
I really don't know what to do. He says he loves me, I think he is used to me and we love each other as friends certainly. I need more. We have other friends who don't have much sex, they find it elsewhere or don't care as much about it as I do. Sex is a defining part of how I see myself. But, I love my husband. We live and work together and our lives are joined in many ways.
He has had all sorts of medical and psychological treatment, it always seems to fail him or her fails it.
Our marriage started with some Sexual problems. It could be great or not good on that level.
I am an occult practitioner myself. All opinions I get say leave or find sex outside the marriage. The problem is that leads to relationships outside the marriage and then people get hurt; my husband, myself and sometimes the other person. I try to keep the other person from being wounded.
Doctor: Thanks for your feedback, I can understand.
Yet, I find that the questions are not clearly answered.

Are you in perimenopause or menopausal?
Has your husband taken treatment form the experts for sexual improvement? Is his condition not treatable or curable? Any medications tried? Does not he feel irresponsible when he can not satisfy your sexual needs?

Few points I could point out and need more clarification:
Balance between the physical needs and emotional needs. Which is more important- you have to choose one.
*Sex is a defining part of how I see myself.
*Our marriage started with some Sexual problems. It could be great or not good on that level.
* people get hurt

The most important point is how much you are getting hurt.
I can understand that one can not be very selfish, but should have a respectable personal life, likes, dos and don'ts.
A simple saying: If I am alright, everything else is fine.
All the world revolves around you, your self and all others are part of the periphery. I hope you understand what I mean by. Understand your needs, own needs and the proper solution for it.

I really do not know the practices of divorce and having another marriage in your part of society, please enlighten.

Chemical castration in males is a known thing. In females this is more dangerous for your body, bones, and the changes that can be more disturbing than the situation you are in. The Females have totally a different set of physical, psychological and sexual responses than a male hence chemical castration is not to be considered.

I was wondering that a very matured woman of 53 with wast experience about life, suffering for 8 to 10 years of sex deprivation does not know what is most important in her life. I am sure, you can take a well balanced decision.
Adjustment is a life. To a certain level.

Awaiting your clearer answers and ideas.
Patient: My husband has tried, but not had success at getting treatment for his problems. The sexual issues alone have not been a big issue to him or any of his doctors, only me.
I have had the test and I have been through menopause.
Divorce would be easy where we are in a legal sense. Emotionally, no. I am something of a caretaker to my husband. He has many problems; emotional and physical. I guess I need a caretaker for me in a way he cannot be. I thought it might be that the least painful (and I am searching for a way to make the pain end. 1) The pain of going without something that I need so much and 2) The pain of knowing it hurts him if I stray. If the incentive to stray was not there, that would be beautiful. But, it is likely he will not live as long as I. If I were widowed, I would like to be able to have sex and if female chemical castration isn't possible to reverse, that would not be good.
My husband has had medical treatment for his issues and therapy, just not viagra or an ED med. He may not be able to tolerate that. He has a brain injury which causes seizures as well as being alcoholic. In his case, the seizures came first and he began trying to self medicate with alcohol. Just so I know, what are the risks to my body if I did chemical castration? Thank you
Doctor: Chemical castration is not a known procedure to be done and since you are menopausal would not really be done by your Gynecologist or Endocrinologist. You may please discuss in detail with your Gynecologist. It can have side effects of osteoporosis. And the worst may come with manipulation of the normal body rhythms like mood swings, increased chances of osteoporosis and attendant risks, cardiac problems and so on. The effects may outweigh the benefits you are thinking about.
It is possible that the deprivation might have caused/increased your desires.
They may get shallower sooner as you are already in menopause. May be the hormonal adjustment in your body are giving all the changes. Hopefully may pass out.
This time may also pass-by.

Think over on your own and take a wise decision that suits ''YOU''.
Since this is the second allowable follow-up, please post a fresh query if you need to consult me further and give ref ID: 389508

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