I have worried that I may have anxiety/depression for a


Q: I have worried that I may have anxiety/depression for a while now, but I'm too scared to go to a professional for their opinion (for many reasons). Of course I have done a lot of tests online and they've all come out with a result saying strong anxiety and depression. I've always said that I've had just anxiety because the word 'depression' terrifies me and of course there's so much stigma surrounding it, but I'm not so sure. I identify with the description of it from many websites, including the NHS website, which I have read thoroughly. Below is what I feel like regularly (for about a year now):
- Shaky, mind blanks, increased heart rate, increase temperature when I get in a conversation with someone that is not one of the few close to me, or when I talk to anyone about something personal
- Panicky and sickening stomach feelings when I'm alone, especially at night times
- I flip between thinking I'm too fat and too thin all the time (The numbers show I'm on the verge of underweight, but when I look at myself I feel too big). I don't worry that I'm fat or care about the number so much, it's more like I feel like I'm trapped by my body, and making it smaller would let me out
- Lack of motivation a lot
- Tiredness (I'm not great at sleeping but also even if I get good sleep I still feel exhausted)
- I can't cry (I don't know why but in a situation where I feel like crying I can't, even though I try, and it feels more like I'm choking and hollow inside
- I lie compulsively now :/
- And a load of other stuff
I use the SAM app, but quite often I forget to if I'm feeling bad. I tend to feel sick and grey, rather than ever having panic attacks, and if I feel like one is brewing I usually hang around other people and I'm very good at hiding my feelings and bottling myself up. I find it really hard to be honest, and the only person I've told is my girlfriend, and I haven't really explained the full extent, and I don't usually tell her if it's bad because I'd hate her to worry and be upset too. I have never self harmed, but on Saturday night I used the elastic band that I wear, to stop myself from doing anything worse than ping it and make my wrist a bit red and sore (and it was fine in the morning). Unfortunately know I've done it once I feel like the elastic band beckons, even when I feel fine, and also I feel kind of as though I have to embrace my sadness and do stuff like that to validate that I'm not okay. And I know that's ridiculous, but my brain keeps telling me that. Anyway I'm sorry for the rant, but writing this has really helped me to get my thoughts in order also. Thank you for this website! (I'm 14, female)


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