Patient :--I'm writing this after writing the text below this block --
I don't want a cheat sheet, or a surefire way to get adderall. If I need it, I need it and I don't want to waste time. If I don't need it, and need something else, or I don't need anything at all, I'd really love to know that. I've passed all the checklists online each time I've researched into this, while being honest, I'm just kind of afraid of taking the plunge and getting addicted...
For a long time, around 12 years, I've suspected I have ADD/HD. I have a horrible time struggling to focus, although at times I can focus (And when I do, I am fantastic at whatever it is I am doing) and it's inconsistency haunts me. I've struggled pursuing this because I read about the abuse of it and I feel like I might be subconsciously attempting to take an easy way out and I end up abandoning my quest for it and information. My patience is such, that I feel like if I take this story to a doctor, I will not be prescribed adderal, I won't see any results, and ... blah. That's how my mind works. I'm impatient when it comes to putting myself out there when the status quo is tolerable.
- Think I have ADHD.
- Tremendous difficulty focusing, staying on task and not sure of affect on work/life/school because I've always had this problem.
- Anxiety issues tied to this
- Afraid my subconscious is affecting my judgment in wanting Adderall, so I stop pursuing.
- I don't know what to do, I think I may be self-sabotaging my attempts to start getting help.
- I've tried cutting out caffeine, sugars, changing diet and nothing has helped with the issues.
- I fit most of the common traits listed on internet lists from vast resources
- I also hold a clearance
- I don't want to be a victim of the 'WebMD' curse. (convincing yourself you have something based on the internet...etc)
- One key detail about this, I think, is that I am forgetful. I am forgetful in a sense that people often think I don't care about them. I'll regularly read a text, say to myself "I'll reply to that later." and completely forget about it. Even when I established a "Don't read until you can reply" rule, I forgot about the rule and did it anyway. This has happened repeatedly. The discipline to fix these things is erratic.
- The lack of focus also goes into things I WANT to do as well, like reading, watching movies, etc.
I've talked to peers about it, and they say I'm listening to the 'hype,' to which I can't really argue that nor do I want to get into a deep rooted conversation as many of their viewpoints are different than mine, which is fine... but not helpful in this case.
I've dove into research regarding this about 15 times now, each time stopping just like the previous and I am tired of leaving myself in limbo. I also don't want to go to a doctor because, and don't take offense, I am afraid of just being prescribed and walked out the door without any deep consideration or careful dosage instructions. (I get that it's a practice for a reason, but I cannot get addicted in a non-recoverable way.)
Is this a normal life? If so, I won't pursue anymore. I don't want to be hyped up on anything just to 'enhance' my ability to work, even though I know a lot of other people I work with and for are. I've gone far in my field thus far without 'fixing' this, for my age, and I don't >think< I need it.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here and I would appreciate any help, or direction, or re-assuring words that my struggles are normal and to power through them as I always have.
If you read all of this, thank you so much and I hope your day is going great. I appreciate the potential help I may receive and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to just read this.
Symptoms: Terrible time focusing, low attention span, difficulty staying on one task at a time. I've already left writing this 4 times to do other things..., forgetful, anxiety related to forgetting and overpromising small things in life and letting people down for small things repeatedly,
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