Q: Hi there

It recently occurred to me that for 4 years now, I've been self-harming. I am semi bi-polar and I suffer from clinical depression. I am on medication for it-Nuzak and Walbutren.

I always hide the scars... I always feel like I could just and hurt myself. I hold a knife for dinner and all I think about is slicing it through my arms... Over the weekend I had a friends knife which was apparently very sharp. I cut my upper arm 6 times, only one of them actually leaving a slight mark...

I could easily do it again... I've been doing well on my medication, but it hasn't stopped the self-harm tendencies. I was only diagnosed when I was 16 with my depression-I am now 19-because I was too afraid to speak out.

I think about suicide roughly once or twice a week, and on bad days or weeks, everyday and several times a day... I have some scars which I will always have now, it doesn't bother me too much... I know that it is not for attention because I don't tell anyone and I always hide it...

I wrote this a few weeks ago :

Pain. The only thing I can think about. Physical pain… Emotional pain… Like a plague has been set free on my mind and all it has brought is the thought of pain. The thought of hurting. Hurting myself.
I don’t know why. I just know that all I want to do is cause myself pain.
I look down at my arms and all I see are passed scars. All I think about is making new ones. Seeing the blood run down my arm, my thighs. The feeling of-not pain but rather pleasure-coursing through my body. The woozy feeling I sometimes get, when everything starts to slowly spin, like I have succeeded in achieving what I wanted in the first place.

I think about death. Everyday. And no matter what I try, I feel I want to die, I feel I need to die but never seem to have the strength to actually commit suicide. So instead I inflict pain to make myself feel something. To remind myself daily of the ‘need’ I have to be in pain. The weaknesses I have to cause pain instead of killing myself.

Every time I look at my scars, I’m just reminded of the feelings that pulsated through my body to cause the scars in the first place. A constant reminder that I’m weak. Too weak to just kill myself and end it all. The closest thing I have to death is the self-inflicted pain. It feels like I am going through life barely breathing, barely hanging on, yet full of lively scars. Scars that laugh in my face. Scars that tell me just how worthless I really am.

As if that’s not enough there’s still my urge to cause even more pain. More scars. I think of hurting myself non-stop. I think of what it would be like to just get knocked by a car. Stabbed or shot. I see a pair of scissors or a knife and all I really want to do is slide it through my skin and watch the blood drip down. Not once, or twice but several times. Until there’s so much blood it stains my skin and clothes. I see a lighter or a fire, and all I want to do is burn my skin. Feel the sharp sting as the heat melts away at my skin. I want all this to happen. I want to do all of this but not die. And I don’t understand that.

I want to experience the pain and live through it, even though there is no reason to live. I want to hurt myself and have a near-death experience, but not really die. I’m not afraid of death. At all. It’s all I think about really. What I’m scared of is being in hospital, or dying somewhere and having no one there. No friends. No one to come and say goodbye and cry by my side as I slowly drift away into the unknown. No one there to hold my hand and say “I love you.” No one there to say that everything is going to be all right. That we will get through it together.

Just me. Alone.

I know there is something clearly wrong with me... And I've tried to research whether It's so bad that I need to be treated for it... I am scared of the pain, but I still do it anyway. I don't mind the hurt or the scars, I'm just 'scared' because I want something bad to happen to me but I don't want to be the one who caused it. I self-harm but it's not the same.

If I need to be treated for this, I won't be able to because my family can't afford it. I couldn't go to university because my family couldn't afford it. I'm too scared to tell this to my doctor or to even tell my mom I need to go and see her.

In a few weeks I am leaving to China to work as an English teacher. If I tell my mom I need to go to the doctor and tell my doctor this, she won't let me go and I NEED to go. I've had some trouble with my sexuality. I am gay. I have finally realized it and I am okay with it. But I am too scared to tell anyone. My neighbor knows and she's the only one. A few guys from online websites too obviously.

Write now while typing this, I'm thinking of seeing my own blood... I'm thinking about what it would be like to cause so much pain and torture that I end up in hospital. I'm thinking of it, I want to do it, but I also can't bring myself to do it. I try but then ease up. I never forget the thoughts though...

Every time I have to go to the bathroom to shit, there is blood and I can't tell my doctor or my mom. I have Phimosis, researched how to stretch the foreskin, but then am too lazy and just don't do it. I am addicted to sweets and feel obese. I am trying to stop sweets and it's hard. I want to workout and get that amazing body, but am too lazy and just don't. I tried intermittent fasting for a while. Also didn't work too well. I have bad facial skin and want no pimples or blackheads or anything. But I'm too lazy to wash my face. I'm 19 and have hardly any hair under my arms... It's probably not a big deal but it bothers me. I want to shave my pubic hair on my nut sack, but don't know how to without cutting my balls. I want to shave my ass but also don't know how to without slicing my ass up. All of that I know is done independently and through experience. I feel too lazy to even try and experiment. Even manscaping I feel too lazy to do sometimes.

But I guess I'm typing this to you for advice, help and anything else that I might need to be informed about. I know that I need help but I don't know what extent that help needs to be from. I feel like I don't even want to stop hurting myself. I just know that I have to. That it's not normal... I tried turning to God but I am not religious and don't believe in him.

Please. Any help and advice or anything would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I don't want to send this message, but I know I have to. This tells me I feel that I don't want to get better. I just know that I need to.


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