What is wrong with me?

Patient: I have suffered from depression and anxiety for the past 5 years, going on and off medication, and suicidal thoughts. Lately, something has occurred to me that even parts of personality may not be me, but bpd. I have no self esteem whatsoever. When going somewhere new the first thing I think of is how i could die there if something were to go wrong, including the highway which has made it impossible for me to drive. I am TERRIFIED of being alone, especially at night. I love social events but I am always to nervous to take part in conversations or party games. I often count things when I am nervous, I am suspicious of everything and everyone’s intentions. I am always paranoid my fiance is cheating on me even though my rational self knows he would not do that. I hold grudges for years, and freak out easily. I get anger spells to the point where I black out, and often forget what I was angry about to begin with. There’s so much more, but I feel like these are the things that are apparent in my everyday life. What is wrong with me?